Last season I resigned the captaincy of my club, and I have now realised that I can no longer bat where I like or bring myself on to burgle wickets when the hutch door is open. A tactic that got me nearly 30 wickets last year. What do you suggest?

Timothy Ailendburgler

Dear Timothy, 

I would suggest that you organise work matches, where you can lure people who have never played the game before to play on the understanding that they will 'have fun'. You can then dismiss people who cannot hold a bat and smash females out of the ground. You can also demonstrate your 'strong throwing arm'. Speak to Michael Animal, this could be right up his street.